Fare well.. My little darling..

(I am just staring at the computer screen unable to type anything. I spent some trying times in hospital last week.My wife's bp shot up to life threatening levels and she had to be delivered. We had a very preterm delivery. My little darling daughter spent just 4 days with us..She was just 600 grams..and the last day she was out of all tubes and wires and was with us..? listened to HIS thousand names as she was parting us..)

A
Rose bud
withered before dawn
I couldn't even gather
the petals for
safe keep.

I
collected
all my dreams
held close to heart
to blow them
away n far
again

A
mother's tears
are more pitiful
when she labours
for a dead
child

My
painful heart
hardened and softened
held close to prayers
preventing my eyes
dropping
tears.

The
same seconds
And the minutes
stretches into oblivion
as my timid heart
anticipates for
an early
result

( while she was labouring and  I was waiting outside)

and the tamil one.. for my girl.... I couldn't translate....

மாசத்துக்கொரு காசு, மண நாளுக்கு சேத்து வச்சு
புதுசா கோடி வாங்கி, பதவிசா பூச்சூட்டி
வீசம்மா கை வீசு, வண்டிகட்டி போலாமின்னு
ஆசையா நெனச்சதெல்லாம் ஆகாத கனவாச்சே..

கண்ணே , கனியமுதே , கைபடாத சித்திரமே..
பொன்னே, பசும்பொன்னே , பூவிதழே, பொன்வண்டே
எந்நேரமும் நெஞ்சில் இனிக்கும் சக்கரையே
வின்னேற நீ வந்து வயித்தில் பிறந்தாயோ?

காய்ப்பேறி போச்சுது என் தோளு, மகளே நீ உறங்காம
தேய்பிறையா தேஞ்சு போன தங்கரதமே, என்னுயிரே
தாய்ப்பாசம் வேணாமின்னு தலையிலதான் உன் எழுத்தோ?
காய்ப்பிஞ்சு பழுக்காம கருகுனதேன் செல்லம்மா?

சின்னஞ்சிறு கிளியேன்னு பாரதியா நான் பாட,
தென்னாடன் குலமகளேன்னு கண்ணதாசன் போல பாட
என்னென்னமோ தாலாட்டு நான் புனைஞ்சு நீயுறங்க
என் மகளே நீ என்ன ஒப்பு பாட வெச்சுட்டியே..

போயி வா மகளே நீ போற எடம் சுகமளிக்க
ஆயி அப்பன் அண்ணன் நாங்க மஞ்ச தொட்டி கட்டி போட
வாயிருந்தும் அழைக்காத வஞ்சிக்கொடியே உன்ன
தாயாய்  நான் பெறனும் , தவிக்க விட்டு போனவளே

தாதை முத்தாதை வழி வழியாய் தொண்டு செய்த
கோதையே நீ வாழ்ந்த வில்லிப்புத்தூர் கோவிந்தன்
மாதை நெஞ்சில் வைத்தான், மாலோலன் உன் மணாளன்
பேதையாம் என் மகளையும் , தன்னுடனே அழைதானடீ

Fragrance of Life..

photo courtesy-sri raam kalingarayar.

It was horribly late .I don’t know how I became unmindful of minutes today morning.There was this big truck taking a reverse turn in our narrow lane and we had to wait in  a long queue of morning zoomers.Nothing was bothering puppy , for he is still too young to understand about late timings and was very sure that I would land him up in school, if not in school bus. I fastened my seat belt as the traffic cleared and entered the main road.

Shakthi medicals, murugan stores, sharadha college... Oh ! the bus was not to be seen at all and I was incessantly honking my way up the road. Ok, Probably  Hasthampatti roundtana.Yeah, the bus was spotted  and was taking a turn  at the signal. Unfortunately we had to face a blaring red light.

I was pondering..yesterday was too hectic for me.The day before I had a high risk delivery and had to be awake the whole night. Soon after finishing that my eyes were compelling me to take rest for at least an hour, but puppy had to be  taught maths, at least in the  morning. Just a brush up for his annual exams. It was an usual day, came home in the evening, planned to teach him Tamil.But there was a call from hospital and had to go immediately. Not many patients. Unfortunately the one who had called up came very late and by the time I came home, puppy had slept.

I slept like a log and skipped my morning jog,but got up in time to wake  puppy. Bleary eyed he was, unusual for getting up so early.  I Made him brush his teeth, wash his face and started on with the third term tamil portion. Tamil grammer was new to me. All what  I learnt in my school days was kannada. So was enjoying teaching him.

Her phone rang. I was irritated with the caller. I told  her to switch off the phone for few days. What with all her bp shooting up and sometimes scaring me to the hell.She required admission and being a gynecologist myself, had a domiciliary treatment under my care.

It was then that she was thanking some one.,OH!! How did I forget this today morning. Suddenly  I was enveloped in a gush of remorse. ‘Oh God, Meena I forgot to wish you.I really, really , was telling about your birthday to my colleagues yesterday morning.I was too pre occupied to remember today’. Told puppy about her birthday, and all three of us had a tight hug.

Some days are like this.I called up my colleague to carry on as it was getting late.No car pooling today. Asked him to inform resident medical officer that I would be late for work today.Signal cleared and  again we  started chasing the vehicles in front of us. There is a railway crossing.probably I ll catch his bus there. A motor cyclist honked , overtook us and signalling.It was then  I realized that the door was not locked properly, and also the school bus was just a way in front.I asked the motor cycist to stop the bus if possible.

School children spotted Adhithya in the car and the bus started to slow and move towards the left. I became relaxed. No need for permission today , I can catch up before 9 am in the college.I said bye to puppy, and started driving towards college. Put on the music, and now started following traffic rules.Out of all traffic now, crossed city limits and on NH47 in my usual speed. Now, I realized why she was asking yesterday whether I had to go to college this day. Hmm, I’ve probably become old. Old enough to forget birthdays.I suddenly felt guilty.There was this song from my player. Something is missing today.Ah! The fragrance of tulsi leaves( holy basil).

Suddenly  I searched for the next crossing in the National highways, took an U turn and started driving towards home. I parked my car and honked.She came out , surprised and smiling, asking ‘why did you return back?’. With a twinkle in my eyes  I answered ‘ You didn’t give tulsi leaves for my dashboard today, and my kannan was sad for that’.She smiled and replied.” I’ve got enough tulsi garland for both of  us to go to temple today morning” as I was entering my home.

( The song which reminded me of the fragrance...

கற்பூரம் நாறுமோ? கமலப்பூ நாறுமோ?
திருப்பவழ செவ்வாய் தான் தித்தித்திருக்குமோ?
மருப்பொசித்த மாதவன்தான் வாய்ச்சுவையும் நாற்றமும்
விருப்புற்று கேட்கின்றேன் சொல்லாழி வெண்சங்கே ....

கோதை நாச்சியார்

What does it smell? of lotus or camphor?
How does it taste? of honey or nectar?
Parted ruby lips, a place you shelter..
Their fragrance and taste, ye do know better
I wait to listen with awe and eager
Your words on him ,on my lord, his nature...

Kothai natchiayar about krishna's conch in natchiyar tirumozhi.)

Desires Unlimited...

It was windy and cold outside. I sat by the steps and was knotting my sneakers.Once done, my legs failed to follow the routine.What happened to all the neuronal signals from the motor area? Is there another master to synchronize everything into order? Probably he is too tired to give instructions, maybe distracted.

Whatever it may be, I just sat there trying to listen to the whispers. And the master started arguing. His voice becoming clear now. He was scolding me for being greedy, for forgetting my past blessings. I whimpered, unable to give even a meek answer. But, I was holding fast to my desire. I was sure, that this will not be my last wish.Yet, I couldn't let this one to be humbled.

I softly answered, 'Did I not ask from a person who is generous? let me too have a share of his bounty'. The master's voice mellowed a little and with concern , told. 'You have had a past experience, and you very well knew that it will repeat for the next.You closed your eyes for whatever you did not wish to see. And now, why are you afraid of the logical sequence?'.

I knew, it is hard to silence him, that he will gain strength if I try to. I better ask from my generous Lord. I know that I was granted a major share of his kindness.So what? I am bound to ask him and He is happy to give me. I removed my shoes and came back inside the house.It had not yet dawned. She was sleeping peacefully. Probably the little one inside her is also comfortable. Forget about all concerns. I slipped beside my five year old son, my benevolent master's greatest gift, lifted him and placed his head over my chest. My wife nudged towards me. I gently placed my hand over the small bulge over her lower abdomen, and silenced those voices..And slowly drifted into a peaceful sleep..

Reminds me of a Purandara dasa kriti....

ಇಷ್ಟು ದೊರಕಿದರೆ ಮತ್ತಿಷ್ಟು ಬೇಕೆಂಬಾಸೆ 

ಅಷ್ಟು ದೊರಕಿದರೂ ಮತ್ತಷ್ಟರಾಸೆ 

ಕಷ್ಟ ಬೇಡೆಂಬಾಸೆ, ಕಡುಸುಖವ  ಕೊಂಬಾಸೆ

ನಷ್ಟ ಜೀವನದಾಸೆ, ಪುರಂದರ ವಿಠಲ 

ಪುರಂದರ ದಾಸರು..

I want some more, when I have a few,
when my wants are sought, I seek anew.
I loathe all trouble and just want pleasure
This life, of deceit , I hold so dear...


Purandaradasa..

Ahh..Yes... Love..

When

The spring of love dies..

What remains are just

Sand and stone

I wonder..

What becomes of the undercurrent?

And what He spoke of...

My fear is yours, your strength is mine

You spoke for me, and my hopes are thine

Promises I broke, please never keep in mind

My prayers sound mean, still i cling to your word

My desires are more , yet worthiness low

At times like this, God,whither shall i go?

I closed my face in your open palms

In deep anguish, to seek thy calm

Wretched be the soul, your grace shall grant

My one whole wish, held close to my heart.

and what he spoke  of...

Completely relinquishing all paths, seek me alone for refuge, I will release you from all afflictions.Grieve not. ( Sri Krishna in Bhagavat Gita 18-66)

Certain things are beyond the so called " Evidence based medicine".. Hope is one such thing..I prefer to be a lay person in understanding things happening to my dear ones..But my medical knowledge keeps me in constant fear..

"That thou art"..Tat Tvam Asi...

For fearsome, He is terror manifested

And for seekers of Love, He is a passionate partner

A father to a son, son for a bereaved soul

He is oldest of my grand old sire,

Yet manifest in my child in the womb

He is dual for those who think he is

He is one and only one pervading every single thing.

I am him, for those who believe in that

He is that, ever present, omniscient and all powerful.

He is the ying the yang, satan and the god

He is what the mind can conceive, and null for those who deny.

He is the one whom you want to see in the mirror

your self or the one behind you or beside you..

He is my God, with mace, a disc, a conch and a flower.

He is my friend, my father , my mother and my lover..

( Inspired by a banner showing god wrestling satan in my son's school day celebrations..And remembered the verses by Kulashekara azhwar..

தேவரையும் அசுரரையும் திசைகளையும் படைத்தவனே!
யாவரும் வந்தடிவணங்க அரங்கநகர் த்துயின்றவனே !
காவிரி நல் நதிபாயும் கணபுரத்தென் கருமணியே!

ஏவரி வெஞ் சிலைவலவா !இராகவனே  தாலேலோ

Gods, demons and even directions
are nothing but his graceful creation
they all come , landing into his residing
To Srirangam, where my lord is resting
In kannapuram , also he stays
the same cauvery flows here with ease.
Deft with his  mighty fearful bow,
Raghava, lullaby unto you now.)

How a tiger could pronounce meow??!

It was already 5.40pm, India was batting and those were the last few overs left. She was supposed to have come at 5.00. ( I prefer our regular timings..means 12 hour settings). I decided to call her.There was no response.,rather out of coverage area. Tension was building up slowly. ( I am telling about myself, our Indian men in blue were pretty steady in their batting feats.). The plan was to drive back home before it becomes too dark,rather before they start the second session of the match. I preferred to hit the jogger rather than to sit simply and finish the plates of vadais.

I switched on the treadmill and  there came my chinga kutti ( A lion cub..let him be so..will tell the reason later). I now had  started on  with the fast button..’DAD..I would also do treadmill along with you’.OH ,NO! This fellow would suddenly come and stand on a running machine. Where is the slow button..Better, Off button. He stood on the railing of the machine and told –‘O.K Start’. I pulled him back and told- ‘Son, I would be jogging fast .You cant match my speed’. You  pretty well know how kids would respond when we tell about something which mentions about speed and strength.Same thing happened here too.Ultimately after much persuasion it was decided that I would walk for ten mins followed by him. Now, this was a new problem to tackle.He started to hang from the sofa to see whether the timing has reached 2 mins 3 mins and so on. I now had to stop the machine again and do some talking ..Our deal was ,he would sit on the sofa till I finish and  I would count  one , two , three after each minute . Perfect deal. Slowly speed was building up too.. I was almost huff , puff... panting, an eye on tv. Only commercials..and now..OH NO NO NO PUPPY.NO CARTOON NETWORK..I switched off the treadmill ,exchanged it for the tv remote.

Indians had made a pretty 338, It was 6.00 and my bitter half was no where in sight.Oh I never mentioned about where she went. The summary of the story is only this. She had a batch meet ( school friends from her place meeting in their school) in the afternoon. I wonder why they preferred a Sunday afternoon for a chat session. As a qualified driver husband, I brought  her from salem to her mother’s place ( I was wondering how the other husbands allowed for this sort of a chat session.. ? blissfully  ,they are out of coverage area  for some time?). I don’t want to drive the winding road with headlights on and some brazenly rash private bus owners speeding in the opposite direction. So I took leave of my in laws and with my son started back towards my car.

The car was parked far away because the road in front of my in laws’ house  was being re laid with fresh cement. She was supposed to stay back home as she wanted a consultation with her gynec madam( now that was  a different matter , fought and settled.. of course in favour of her views). Me and my lion cub took a round about tour to reach our car. By this time I was scoffing with anger, preferring to pounce upon her at the first instance of her phone call. I could also give the excuse that I was driving the car and so I need not  lift the phone. While I was about to go towards the car, the phone call came from a different mobile..I preferred to keep my cool ..at least for the first few sentences..Let me reserve my roaring for time being, now that I stand on a steady wicket.I have reasons to roar. Infact I showed my displeasure too..that she could have called from some other phone, that we had to walk quite a long distance.she told sorry profusely and asked me to wait .( I too wanted to wait,but told otherwise)  while talking I saw her getting down from a car and coming towards me..slowly the tiger inside me started to shrink in size. But I still preferred to keep up to my standards.. Mentioned how I sacrificed a precious Sunday making way for her to meet her friends.We all started moving towards my car..and suddenly I remembered that I didn’t get my car keys..This was when I started my first me....ow....

She called up her dad, bought the car key and the farewell was perfect. Except for the fact that all her cajoling made my cub more sad and he started demanding her to join us. I then had to put a stern face , dissuade her from all her sweet talk and let ?him face thing s bravely. :( ( I had to take care of him this night and get him ready for school next day morning too..).windows closed, I put on my music and my cub started to curl up in the back seat.

On the tenth mile , there was a phone call..’Sir, I called up madam.but her phone was not reachable,there’s a patient with previous cesarean and pains’.Naturally she should have called me first.I am the gynecologist.( and now can you understand why the matter was fought and settled). This irritated me and the tiger inside me started growling. I called her home , told the situation ,asked her to be ready and see her doc some other day. Took a U turn, came and picked a silent wife and started zooming past. Both were grim and  I was concentrated  in driving. After quite sometime I wanted to break the ice..I turned to say ..Are you angry??..Where..there she was ..happily tucked her head between a pillow and a head rest and mildly snoring( naan inga karotti vittu pona , ava koratta vittu vara).

We reached the clinic. The patient had come in a bike. ( oh, of course with her husband)I got a stare from my wife for that . Then she complained of only  leg pain. I examined her and declared “FALSE PAINS”. But anyways admit her for observation. The mighty tiger inside me started to mellow. She had a long face and I preferred not to disturb her psyche. We came home and I didn’t even try to watch my programme , rather I took up to computer. I listened to some vessels being utilized  in kitchen. My son was deep asleep on the bed. I then stealthily took up to watch tv.

Food was served, rasam and roasted papad for me. After a long stalemate she opened her mouth.( I mean to talk).. ‘Every other time when I want to spend time with my ppl you put a long face and bring me back here.’.slowly  talk disguised itself to sobs..’your parents too aren’t with us’.’mornings you have a nice time with colleagues while I stay put in the four walls of the clinic’..then all the other choicest archanai( like how my vishnu has some thousand names ..  I too have.. that I bare my teeth only to her, that I have thick hide, that My stripes are frightening..).and now when I wanted to say something , the first thing was a mild meow... and after that only

Meoooo... w

meow.. meow..meow

Ps. I am not alone... I know about father meow, Uncle meow, father in law meow, friends meow..Only meow which is not seen is a son meow..as long as a son is not married he is still a chinga kutti   (yerarntha kanni yeshodai ilam chingam...tiruppavai. kannan .the lion cub to yeshoda ,the one with deep looks)

மார்கழி திங்கள் மதி நிறைந்த நன்னாளாம்
நீராட போதுவீர் போதுமினோ நேரிழையீர்
சீர் மல்கும் ஆய்ப்பாடிச் செல்வச் சிறுமீர்காள்
கூர் வேல் கொடும்தொழிலன் நந்தகோபன் குமரன்
எரார்ந்த கண்ணி யசோதை இளஞ் சிங்கம்
கார்மேனி செங்கண் கதிர்மதியம் போல் முகத்தான்
நாராயணனே நமக்கே பறை தருவான்
பாரோர் புகழ படிந்தேலோரெம்பாவாய்