Pretense and Andaal..

Penance, I have never known
Knowledge is but patchy and few
My love, I retract and want again,
Comforts for the soul to gain.
Deliverance,unto your feet I loathe,
'truth, are but lies deftly closed'
I say, I fancy all these words
With a mind of wool to rave and play..
A greater fish swallowed me,
My tiny world closed on me
and when at last you swallow me..
I wonder whether it balms the soul...


You forsake me
with the same intensity
with which you loved me..
I stay baffled as to find
which was pretense
and which was the truth!


( In bits and pieces I  write whenever I find time..Doing surgeries are no doubt my passion, but writing poems too , I love of late..probably this is the fish which is being swallowed by a bigger fish... )

another pasuram by Kothai andaal..which speaks of love and pretense...

செம்மையுடைய திருவரங்கர் தாம் பணித்த
மெய்ம்மை பெருவார்த்தை விட்டுசித்தர் கேட்டிருப்பார்
தம்மை உகப்பாரை தாம் உகப்பர் என்னும் சொல்
தம்மிடையே பொய்யானால் சாதிப்பார் ஆர் இனியே?

கோதை நாச்சியார் ..

'Relinquish all and seek me alone'
His words carried through ages down,
'He seeks, those who seek him true!'
those words, are they a pretense now?
Is there someone to coerce him?
to remind his ways, to mind his words?
for he never did fend my heart..
from wholesome love and languid pain...

Kothai nachiyar..

And NRI girl had commented in my last post.. that the pasuram also evades her..
so I translated the pasuram on a free day.. but unable to write down in blog..

the translated version of the poem..

Devoid of vice, A blossomed mind
'HIS' radiance , does it try to find
and through my senses and my flesh
In vain, I fathom to hold his grace..
In days past, now and days to come.
He stays unmoved, compared to none,
and all through, He is dear to me,
My lord, who is dearer than life...

Nammazhwar..

Monsoon is active in our part of state... Love the rains.. and the cloud again reminds me of another andaal pasuram...

Thoughts On  a monsoon evening..

We got ready soon.She was waiting in the sofa, watching tv..I was standing on the balcony, watching the clouds gather and the winds forcing them towards the yercaud hills..And then started the downpour., the proper lashing rains of monsoon..

We planned to go for usual Saturday temple, following it with odyssey stores, then some light dinner outside.( amma definitely would have prepared something at home). We preferred to leave our son with my parents..I too need some time alone.. all these ten days I was busy with work and practice, the last weekend I had a confernce to attend. Operating on high risk patients sometimes drains us  with all post operative complaints..So needed some space to be together.

I came to the rainshadow side of the balcony. Watching the wind, the rains and the sway of the tree tops.I was reminded of a pasuram by Andaal..

She came beside me and told “ shall we skip temple today.. I can’t wade through the puddle there with this saree..we just could go to odyssey and come..Morning we shall go to the temple.” I smiled and told, “Ok, we shall first go to odyssey and then decide”.

She would have wondered , why i never scoffed for getting all the stuff she thinks is important, which I say ‘occupies space at home’..And when I drove the car from exit side of Odyssey, I turned towards the road to temple.The heavy downpour had subdued, and she too was never in a complaining mood..

and the pasuram by andaal..

கார்காலத் தெழுகின்ற கார்முகில்காள்! வேங்கடத்துப்

போர்காலத் தெழுந்தருளிப் பொருதவனார் பேர் சொல்லி

நீர்காலத் தெருக்கினம் பழஇலைபோல் வீழ்வேனை

வார்காலத் தொருநாள் தம் வாசகன்தான் தருளாரே.

கோதை நாச்சியார் 

OH! The darkened clouds of monsoon..

Will you reveal my pain to the lord

Who’s name ,like trance, I chant forever

The valorous lord of Venkatam hills..

like the withered leaves of a giant milk weed,

ready to snap at the touch of a drop

My heart swoons for his  word of love

all through, I pine for the day to come..

kothai naachiyar..

Vekatam hills( tirumala) photo courtesy..Sriraam

(   P.S... A perfect start for a sunday.. I hope to become active blogger again ..Haven't read other blogs too.. Yeah, she woke up and telling me to get idiappam from Uzhavar Santhai for morning breakfast before it gets over there.. .;))

What did I listen to?

what can I offer, which he has not made?

He saw me though again, standing in the crowd..

Whose beckoning, I loathe, I go when I please

Through my senses I try, to comprehend his grace

I wade, I hide, I say my heart blossomed

Through words which I read, I spoke and I listened.

He stood there smiling, while I covered all follies

Still in the crowd, tending to my worries..

His call I ignored, I say I am his owning

I came through ages, free to his choosing..

http://www.flickr.com/photos/sriraamkalingarayar/

 மனம் அகம் மலம் அற மலர் மிசை எழுதரும்
மனன் உணர் வளவிலன், பொறிஉணர்வவை இலன்
இனன் உணர் முழுனலம் எதிர் நிகழ் கழிவினும்
இனன் இலன் என்னுயிர் மிகு நரை இலனே

நம்மாழ்வார் 

( I thought I had nothing to write this week.. but this pasuram which I read while waiting for a patient to deliver, was stored deep, and I woke up early , inspired to write..)

" Till death do us part"

They have rusted, but still sturdy..

They may squeak, yet they swing

The plank is worn out , still does bridge

They stay, like old couple, wanting a touch

Bound by love and life and hope

To stir again, to swing again...

( P.S. very busy schedule since 10 days, no blog, reading,jog or swimming with puppy, I just wrote this as a sms to my friend's photo, which he gracefully allowed to use the photo and words for my post..

http://www.flickr.com/photos/sriraamkalingarayar/)

The returned rib...

Then the LORD God said, "It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him a helper fit for him."

but for the man there was not found a helper fit for him

Then the man said, "This at last is bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh; she shall be called Woman, because she was taken out of Man."

 Therefore a man leaves his father and his mother and cleaves to his wife, and they become one flesh

And so... the rib was dutifully returned, after a week-long stay in the mother’s place..So, God still ?loves me.. because it was he who told  the above words..he he..

And I had  to pick up clothes, papers, pen caps, coffee mugs... and stash them in a jiffy..before the bone of my bone got down from the car...

 All the while  I was at the service of various hotels of our place.. somber, alone, and irregular..Tonight too dinner in a hotel..but along with my helper...No jealousy please...to put in proper tamil phrase.. it was my  tongue died period..( naakku seththu pochu).. Dont think otherwise...

May be we can top it up with a movie.. Only problem is I don't watch Pirates of carribean and she doesn't watch Azhagarsamiyin kuthirai..its ok we can watch nigella feasts together..

God, from which rib did you re-make??

I knew...

A poem by hope inspired me to write this...
http://theworksofhope.blogspot.com/2011/05/on-lovea-letter-to-catherine

I knew , you went covering your face

The long road ahead, I stopped to glance..

I knew , you kept secrets from me..

‘cos  i would cringe, for you and me..

I know, you placed in ‘nother mighty hand

And plead to stay, and care and tend..

I know I blamed,i wriggled and  am mute

For my life was dear, and i cried at the fate

I know, the road, had parted ways

My life,you were gone, the same both ways

I know, I live and am never dead or insane

For the life He has given is to live and to gain...

thanks hope..

Once again...

Of what use

Is my prayers

When my heart is devoid of

Love..

You are the almighty

I am a mere speck

Would  you lower yourself

To listen to my words?

 I crouched holding

An umbrella in the desert

The night  too  passed

 for another day to come..

I never held your hands

But allowed myself

In your embrace..

My hands now press

my empty shoulders..

How could   I say

that you forsake me?

You  did give the words,

Their  meanings  and their wings..

Would you fall

In love again?

For  I am weary of  this useless

Chants  and murmurings

And my heart beats for

A longing love and tears..

How I wish..

They leave marks which dissappear soon

Those waves, with  their edges ,white with foam..

They stay, they play,  they  recede to return.

They erase  whatever  you wrote, dear son..

These lessons, we learn though ,even as we grow

But refuse to write ‘nother word and show

That life is all play, loss and gain

We stay, sinking down, as man and woman

How I wish, that  I stayed  at your age...

Learning little things, to forget in this stage.....