Dear bygone year....

I soared to the heights, enjoying the flight and mood.

Unmindful of  how insignificant became the world

With ecstasy and happiness as my wings spread apart..

Surging  ahead till my pinions burnt and sight did part.

Blindfolded I fell into  some unknown abyss

Cursing the  haughtiness, yet  savouring the bliss..

OH! This sorrow marks a definite means to measure

The seams of love which  I held close with pleasure,

Blameless though, for my dear heart could  learn

To love with purity and to give without restrain..

Of what use is lamenting for a lost wing now

When before ,I never attempted to fly ,anyhow..

varam tharuvaaya?

 ( காதல் காதல் காதல்..
காதல் போயின் , காதல் போயின்
சாதல், சாதல் , சாதல்..பாரதியார் )

 காதல்  இன்றி வாழ்தல் கூட
சாதலை  போன்றதே , மெல்லச்சாதல் !
உயிரே , உயிரை பிரிந்தப்பின்னே
என்னானால் உன் கவலைகள் என்ன?
போதும் என்றாய் புரிந்துக்கொண்டேன்
புரிந்தது போல் என்னை வருத்திக்கொண்டேன்
அழுகைப்போதும், உருகும்போதும்
தனிமைப்போதும் துணை யாரிங்கே?
இருந்தால் அன்பை முழுமனதுடன்  தா..
சென்றால் சுவடொன்றில்லாமல் போ !
அடிமை கொள்வாய் 'கண்ணா' என்றேன்
விடைகொடுத்துப்பின் வந்து சேரென்றான்....

How can I forget??.....

The dead are  long dead, buried with their innocence

The path is obscure, why do you glance?

A fresh bud does not carry any more

the life and fragrance of old flower;

‘We’ as old thoughts lost their meaning

Painful though, as love was weaning.

I do wander past in the old woods

Gathering memories like lost goods..

How can I forget, for I am not dead

‘N Walk past both worlds, free to tread

I stand at the mound with silent prayers

Waiting  for HIM to lead to HIS chambers..

In waves.....

Lost son? lost love? lost life and grace?

I lost something which i could never trace.

Your name does bring a fresh stab of pain

My startled heart sings in a sorrowful vein

Which pied piper led you to a trap?

Left behind, I cuddle myself in a wrap..

In some ethereal space you’ve tracked

I forgot all magic words to recall you back.

When i couldn’t bring a dead person alive..

Why do i sit here, lament and wail?

A wanderer's wish....

I happened to read this pasuram while I was wiling my evening in clinic..It is said that Thiruvaasakam by Manikkavasagar is supposed to be rich in devotion and human craving towards God..Though I had a book of thiruvaasakam I  never had  read beyond few verses. But this pasuram by Nammazhwar in tiruvaaimozhi immediately made my heart sink in melancholy. I read those tamil verses several times with my eyes filled up. I believe that there is an English translation of tiruvaimozhi by A.K.Ramanujan . Don't know the exact publishers or the year of publication and availability of the book.I thought I couldn't translate the poem though I slowly attempted  to do that. I have done some translation of meanings.But I don't know whether I have captured the heart of the poetry. Sometimes translations  become dry if we try to overdo it, especially the way it starts in this poem - " NaNNaathaar muruvalippa,  naLLutraar karainthu yaenga..."Hmm.. what can I substitute for karainthu yaenga?..( in despair writhe my dear ones is an understatement..).  eNNaraath thuyar vilaivikkum ivai enna ulagu iyarkkai?!. is it ? or !.This statement attains significance if we consider the solitude in  which Nammazhwar spent his whole life. Never he was the Prince-heir for his desperate parents, nor did he marry and foster a family during his life!.

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Nammazhwar...

A wanderer’s  wish....
In quest of you death- leveler,
Long awaited and worn- Ye deliver
my soul unto his feet -A gift
to my dear, my lord – adrift
I sway in this uncertain world – countless
are the sorrows,its nature – ruthless
and uneven  its spirit-  for in despair
writhe my dear ones – with cheer
do my foes smile- I pray
death, hasten, for i loathe further to stay....
Nammazhwar..( 8^th century)

வலியோடு வாழ்ந்து விடலாம்

நெஞ்சில் தைத்த அம்புகளை
பிய்த்து தொடுத்துக்கொண்டிருக்கிறேன்
கவிதை எனும் கணைகளாய் ....
இருபுறமும் குருதியோடி
உயிரை குடிப்பது அறியாமலேயே

of virtue and vice....

Some queries puzzle us. I ponder over a lunch time discussion. My colleagues expounded the greatness of annadaanam. I just plainly told i don’t believe in annadaanam. Especially the annadaanam provided in temples.They were shocked by my statement..i told that there is no free lunch in this world. By providing food we make people lazy. There is always enough work to earn a livelihood. I know of an old lady who used to work for me. Her husband had cerebral palsy and she had to look after him. She would make all necessary arrangements at home and then come for work. She used to tell with passion, if  i didn’t have this responsibility i would happily accompany you to whichever place you go, to take care of your family and to work for you. So then what about people who are infirm? Providing food is the greatest virtue sir, they told.Isn’t  it the government’s responsibility to look after its citizens? It  is sometime the inaction or the lack of responsibility which places people depend on others for their basic necessities. Probably i don’t know how destitutes are created. I support instituitionalised care for mentally unsound people. Many charitable endowments have made a big difference in the livelihood of abandoned children, infirm and old people. But some action is missing. Some responsibility was shrugged. I would feel unhappy if I have to pray for the wellbeing of the donor who has provided my lunch. Kannan, more than a god , was a radical reformist. The interpretation of his words were tailor made to suit their philosophies. But when the purpose of telling Gita is explored it is obvious that he is guiding Arjuna to perform his slated action, the responsibility of a soldier in battlefield.

I happened to read a Nammazhwar ‘s pasuram yesterday which threw some light on my predicament. 

கிற்பன் கில்லேன் என்றிலன் முனம் நாளால் 

அற்ப சாரங்கள் அவை சுவைத்து அகன்றொழியேன்

பற்பல ஆயிரம் உயிர் செய்த பரமா ! நின் 

நற்பொன் சோதித்தாள் நனுகுவது எஞ்ஞான்றோ

Tasting the fruits of good deeds and vice

I lingered past ages away from your eyes

My father, your creation baffles my mind

The day of our union, my soul yearns to find

Nammazhwar.. 

Buddhiyukto jahaateeha ubhe sukrita dushkrite;

Tasmaad yogaaya yujyaswa yogah karmasu kaushalam

A person with evenness of mind casts of in this life both good and evil deeds; therefore devote your self to yoga; and yoga is nothing but skill in action. Gita ( 2:50)

Easier than everything else is surrendering unto his lotus feet..

Not to be born again or mukthi is the highest ideal in Hinduism...I remember something which i've written long time back..

"HE" heard me tell
'I'm fish out of  water
without you three
And laughed at me..
To give and take,
to sow and reap.
burdens of soul
All in a heap
to uproot a tree
with roots underneath
all are his designs..
could I complain?
love ,friendship and affection
how does it matter?
all are events past
tis his manner
how long will you join hands
---------------
like petals of flowers
lasting for an evening
time  trickles by
compared with itself
short or long..
events move past
my desires more
worthiness low
to be born again
I dread to the core...

Open the gate...

Don't close the doors upon me..
There's a separate world for both of us, I agree
The squeaking low and the closing slow
I fear, unnoticed does the worlds separate and go.

Don't close the doors upon me..
let there be some niceties to barter free
Happiness to share and words strengthening the soul
collective prayers and a hand to correct when foul

Don't close the world  with a door..
For it brings remorse and bitterness against each other
Let a ray of light pass and shadows dance
For our dear God doesn't give life a second chance...

If I can offer you a gift....

If  I could change some things in my life
I would ask God to change
the way you loved me

If I could forget some words of the past
I would ask God to erase
the one strong word by you..

If I could stay for a day in heaven
I would ask god to let you
be yourself beside me..

If  I could offer some comfort and solace to you
I would ask God to help me
find happiness within me.

But when I am dull with bitterness and solitude
and God asks me to spell out the reason
I have none other than Himself to blame...

Are you listening??

How less could l have loved you

To survive the loss with lesser pain

My story untold, I never knew

that to this day I live and I feign

a cheerful face and a strong heart.

Covering my scars with a faint smile

Deep though, I weep and I’m hurt

Alone should I endure all the while.

What better design you have,my dear god

Forsaken, cast away, you took away my world

freedom....

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Reflecting your thoughts always...

Brimming waters of the lake

Reflects the colours of the sky

The same life giving sun

Scorches to reveal its  barrenness

Silently awaiting its fill

Of another monsoon waters!

He has sucked the life out of me

My soul drags this body along

Like a hungry beggar clothed in rags

Pleading for a new lease of garb

A soul replaces an outworn body with a new one...Gita2.22

The broken bridge..

காலப்போக்கில் அடித்து செல்லப்பட்ட
பரிமாற்றங்கள் ...
உடைந்துவிட்ட பாலமாய்
மனங்களை இணைக்கும்
அன்பென்னும் பாலம்
பழுதாகிப்போனால்
எஞ்சி நிற்ப்பது
நினைவுகள் என்னும்
தூர்ந்து போன தூன்கள்தான்

 A photo from aminus3..sundar's photoblog inspired me to write this..

The dreamer

I had some dreams before

Not very far from today

Hiding secretly inside but

Passionate to pursue..

Half hearted to chase them..
Whither did I falter?

For HE took over me,

My dreams ,My all and my desires

I do secretly hide back

A few of borrowed dreams..

And I know that without dreams

My heart would ‘ve turned  to stone

A river in spate

Drowned in the swelling waters

A living temple lost its life

Gone with the turbulence is the

Grace, the light and the loving god

flowing still is the river

its surface appears steady and calm

flowing still is the river

A stream who's lost its charms..

I do believe in miracles

I wandered  past the river bed,

Collecting pebbles all along

Bending down to pick a few,

Of green and  white with crimson hue

Pocketing some in a deeper pouch

Throwing at random, few of doubt

Bemused , sad and forlorn though

I sat down counting on my store..

Poured them all over the sand

Round , oval, small and bland..

Bewitched I found a dazzling stone

Of ruby red, so bright it shone
all those worthless pebbles i threw
closeted the only treasure i knew..

I danced with joy and madness crept

My life, my life, with joy I wept

And there you came, asking for me..

‘Whither did you roam my dear?’

‘For long i searched, beloved ‘you said.

Pulled my arms and opened my hand

‘Ah!, my lost gem’ you told

‘Tis mine’, and held it close to heart,

I buckled and on my knees I bent

Covered my face and wept and wept.

My  pain, by your smile you swept.

‘You too are dear to me’ you said.

A web of passion you generate
As  easy as a twig,you   break

Captive of your mysterious ways

I'd  follow the glow of your heart

A serf, my lord  you lead me through

For in miracles I do believe now

My yoga teacher...

Got up early in the morning and finished jogging. It had rained in the night and the air was fresh.Wild flowers bloomed all along the way reminding of what the azhwars have described about kannan. Variously as blue, violet,crimson and golden yellow of 'sree' from his chest changing his whole hue.Forgot the pasuram but I now wonder how correctly the phrase' figure of speech' fits them.
Still had time left to waste after returning home.Waking up kids early sometimes is a big ordeal. I just switched on the light and started talking to my son.He half opened his eyes and hugged me close as if to silence my words.
Slowly i started cajoling him. "Puppy, you told they  teach yoga in your school, why don't you teach the same to daddy, we both will go to terrace and practice". But before he could stir I heard a mumble "mm, don't go to terrace,its cold out there, stay in the hall".He started to curl up more towards me..
"O.K, you need not wake up puppy, I shall carry you" for which I got a silent nod. I gently lifted him up, crossed her and slowly pulled the bedroom door. Carrying him and opening the latch without making noise was even more difficult.Somehow managed that too, he clinging to me even more diligently.
 The terrace was wet, the walls moist, and cold breeze made him shudder. The neighboring hills were covered with clouds descended on them.I gently lowered him and he sat squeezing his eyes.Then he opened his mouth."first we need not sit, you stand and lift your legs and rotate your heels". I lifted him up and promptly followed his orders.Then we started doing certain things in a haphazard manner.Fully awake now , he placed his heel on his other knee and lifted his hands above in a manner of suryanamaskar. I danced for a while and till he told that it's ok to sit now.
Suddenly he asked, " Dad, you knew of yoga when you were studying 1st standard?" for which I replied,"NO dear, I never even knew to wipe my drooling nose at that age". He beamed with pride, then he told "I'll do padmasana and you follow me".This one  we both found  very difficult to place the heels over thighs while sitting. He gave a concession that it was enough to place one heel on the thigh and allow the other leg to be just folded in squatting posture.Then came INHAAAAAAAALE, EXHAAAALE....exercises.Fully satisfied with my performance my teacher told me to kneel down , he too did the same and ducked his head between his knees and started breathing deeply. I too did the same thinking about the advantages of shifting to a city and making him join one of the best schools of this place. Though the  fees was more than what my father paid during my undergraduate and postgraduate years put together. I shouldn't be comparing those times with the present.
I became impatient as my teacher never lifted his head for quite sometime. I had lifted my head twice by now.Thought he has started dozing off.The third time I lifted my head , I saw my house maid coming towards my house.OH! this means disaster.Quickly I started" puppy its cold out here, come fast we will go downstairs and practice in the hall!"and pulled him towards me all to the astonishment and a puzzled look on my teacher's face..

Hmm about the pasuram, I found out one, the next one don't know still

திருக்கண்டேன் ; பொன்மேனி கண்டேன் திகழும்
அருக்கன் அணிநிறமும் கண்டேன் - செருக்கிளரும்
பொன்னாழி கண்டேன்; புரிசங்கம் கைக்கண்டேன்
என்னாழி வண்ணன்பால் இன்று. - பேயாழ்வார்

I saw "sri", her golden glow transforming  my  deep sea blue colored lord  into a shimmering  brightness of  morning sun, Saw his golden disc and his white conch. I saw him thus to this day- peyazhwar.

photo courtesy- Sriram kalingarayar.( his earlier caption fits perfectly-A sea of contrasts)

The divine vision of Peyazhwar and the sequences leading to how Sriman narayana manifested in front of him is a different story..